Tunisha Renee (00:01.568)
you're probably thinking, what is she talking about? Because the man is the leader of the home. But let me just say this. Not every home has a man in it. My son has lived in both. Not every man is receptive to being the leader in the emotional arena. That is generally something that men traditionally have struggled with. And the reason why is not their fault. They've been programmed all their lives that anything outside of happiness,
pleasure and pain, but it has to be like really painful and anger make them look weak. And with pain, it's gotta be from some sort of manly injury. It can't be the paper cut that they got. It has to be, you know, the punch in the face that they're all weak over. And it's, I don't know, I don't know. Men have their own challenges.
And this is just a space where mom, I believe, is the best leader and it positions her to be the best support for him. So, yeah. I don't necessarily agree that it's only mom's job to do the emotional leading. But because of contact time, in terms of who traditionally spends the most time with the kids, it's a mom. So, moms, I am talking to you.
Tunisha Renee (01:31.234)
So that was a weird pause that I'm gonna have to edit out that I'm probably not, but I'm just gonna leave it, because I forgot that in my mind I am doing this like it's live, but then I wasn't. All of a sudden, kind of spaced out for a second, sorry. So I am Tunisha, the VVS Life Coach, and I help moms learn to relax, regulate their emotions, and reconnect with their kids, because it's time that we just change these old patterns.
of yelling at our kids, whooping our kids, cussing them out to try to just get them to obey and doing damage that we know we've spent years now trying to heal in ourselves and in some cases still aren't there yet. So why are we continuing to treat our kids in the ways that we know were not effective for us? I'm gonna tell you why. Because we are not taught how to parent teenagers.
We understand as much as we understand as an adult looking back on their own teenage years and what society tells us is supposed to be this tumultuous time in a child's development, which it is, but it doesn't have to be this highly tense, friction-filled environment now. I mean, it just doesn't. And I've lived on both ends of the spectrum of this and
We are so much happier now. We have so much more peace at home now. It made all the difference in me being able to feel confident that when my son leaves, he's going to come back to see me because he wants to and not because he feels obligated to or he says that he loves me not because he was trained that that's what you say to your mom, but because he actually genuinely feels that way. I know for a fact that
We went through a period where he did not respect me at all because of my inability to control how I reacted to my emotions. And he said, honestly, it's like you were the toddler. And I had to really look at myself like, okay, that's big. But the fact that we can have those kinds of candid conversations now is the direct result of me changing the way I lead at home. And that's what I'm going to be sharing over the course of
Tunisha Renee (03:57.868)
these podcast episodes and specifically in this one we're going to be talking about why as mom you should look at yourself as the leader and not just mom. We're going to take a look at what it means for you to lead and how to grow as a leader.
Tunisha Renee (04:19.372)
I'm skipping around in my notes so when you see me pausing like this I'm trying to check in episode one that I'm not missing anything. So let's get into it. If you are not leading your kids they are going to look for the information that they need on the internet and from their friends and that may not be what you want in terms of what it is they're picking up because they are looking for
leadership in you and they are absolutely going to copy what you do. And our parents were aware of that and that's where they had that expression, do as I say and not as I do because they know that if we were acting the way they were acting, it would just be all bad. yeah, we have to be careful with what we are showing our kids.
Especially because we don't want them going to look outside of the house to see how they should behave. I know personally I don't want my son going off in a drive-thru because they ran out of ketchup. Like, I can't believe some of the things that I've seen on the internet in these last few years. But it's just so showing of where we are in our ability to attempt to control the way.
we react to our emotions because emotions and reactions are not the same thing, but that's something for a whole other episode. Your kids are watching everything you do, not just what you say. I am a kind person, but I also was known to be very short tempered and not above violence, and that's what I saw my son also take on. So your kids are gonna take on the good and they're gonna take on the bad, and you wanna be careful.
or won't even say bad, just the won't serve you very well out in the general public. You want to be careful how you're reacting to things. Your kids are going to look at you as a role model whether you believe that you're a role model or not, whether you want to be or not, you are. And even if they don't say it, you are the most important people in their lives. And so it's really important that you just...
Tunisha Renee (06:36.172)
Be intentional about how you are showing up in response to your emotions, using that thoughtful, emotional leadership, because otherwise they're gonna be out here figuring it out on their own, trying to fit in with other kids like I was, and then turning into people pleasers at different periods in their lives. That's the cycle I fought my way out of too many times, and I'm in recovery now, but it's a daily.
struggle sometimes. I just got out of a period where I was teetering on the edge or heading back to that and just accepting things that I normally would not and I said, no, we worked too hard to not keep fighting this fight. yeah, we don't want our kids to be like that because people will take advantage of them. Or it's not that people will take advantage, it's that they will just give up.
on themselves in lieu of other people until they realize it is too late when they are bitter and resentful. Ask me how I know that one. So, the other one that I want to be careful of, and I'm probably gonna get myself into some things when I say this, but I recently, because I don't spend a lot of time on social media consuming things, but I recently have discovered this phenomenon called red pill.
where these guys just seem so angry to me and bitter and jaded and cynical about women and the roles that everybody plays in these relationships. And I'm just like, I don't want my son to be that kid. Cause I see the writing on the wall on the other side of that, no, thank you. But if I'm not careful, everything that they are saying about women is going to make perfect sense to him. So.
It just is what it is. Watch him come down these steps while I'm recording. Watch and see. Say hello.
Tunisha Renee (08:45.582)
Say hello, I'm like I'm recording No No, I was doing my recording and then I'm like I hear the footsteps and then here you are It's okay Excuse me, huh? I wanted to feel fancy so I put my kombucha in him
In a glass.
Tunisha Renee (09:21.678)
Okay, that's enough of that. So, if you actually agree that your leadership matters, I really want you to take a look at what you're doing. And I really want you to understand what leadership looks like in action. And there's so much out here that we can learn about what makes someone a good leader. And the Bible is one of my favorite places to look. But again...
That is for another episode. I can't wait to get into the Proverbs 31 woman because I have so much to say on that. So I say so a lot. Maybe it'll get better over the course of these episodes. Maybe it won't. But if it bothers you, feel free to find somebody who doesn't have that habit because it's not something I am going to.
fixate on or be bothered about. I don't even know why I'm rambling and saying that, but I felt like it was necessary. So for moms to lead, it also means you have to be willing to be fully honest with yourself about where you need development. You have to make an honest list of your strengths and the areas for your growth.
Because if you don't, you're not going to notice all the times that you're losing your temper just a little too quickly too often. And one of the things that I struggled with the most was listening. My son would be telling me something, and then all of a sudden, I am off on a tangent. Just cut him off in the middle of what he was saying like he was never even talking. And eventually, that just caused him to stop talking.
So you need to be aware and honest with yourself. And it's okay if it feels uncomfortable. Growth always feels uncomfortable. That's why you end up quitting when you go to the gym, because as you are growing muscle, it's uncomfortable and you don't want to sit in that. But it's time that we sit in that if we really want to raise kids with a different mindset, who treat each other.
Tunisha Renee (11:45.838)
who are more gracious in the way that they check somebody. Yeah, it's okay. You check them. But it doesn't have to be the old raw, raw, like... We don't have to interact that way. And we could solve a lot more problems if we didn't. Because the way your brain is set up, once you're getting triggered and everything in your brain is going haywire, that amygdala is gonna shut.
all that logic and reasoning right on off and the anger lives right here and this is why you'd be to point somebody in the face. Okay, I digress. So you can't teach your kids emotional intelligence. I said all that to say you can't teach them discipline or resilience by beating it into them. Cause that's not modeling it yourself.
There are people who think that what I do is gentle parenting. I don't see it as gentle at all. I just see it as no longer violent. Not in the way that I speak, not in the way that I treat him. I have removed violence. There is still firmness, there is still sternness, there are still consequences, but it doesn't come...
at the expense of his dignity or our relationship. And when I think of who in my mind jumps out as like the perfect model of that is Claire Huxtable for me. And as a kid, I thought she was a cool mom, but as a mom who has been doing this work, she is so much cooler to me now that I am much more emotionally aware and really paying attention to the moves that she makes as a mom. But also,
the Proverbs 31 woman. When it talks about her giving instructions, she does it with kindness. It's not a chastising of the children, but we know from the story that she is the one running the household, the servants, what's happening with these kids, while her husband is off in the city working. She's holding it down. It's very clear about that.
Tunisha Renee (14:11.608)
But it doesn't say she's putting them out, kicking their butts. No, it says she gives them instructions with kindness. And that's who I am deciding to be, deliberately making it known that I will not go back to being their mom. There's no reason for me to be that mom if I know how to control my reactions to my emotions. And there are too many resources out here that we just
haven't seen or heard about or known about because we haven't looked for them, honestly. But I know the generational patterns that I am trying to break. And I figured there are some other moms out here like me who want to do that too and change that mental health legacy because I know my own struggle. And if that is a different kind of inheritance that I could pass down, it would be to not have him or his babies go through
those unnecessary emotional struggles. So I have to be the leader that I want him to be when he becomes a parent. And I hope that he finds a partner who is of a similar mindset, but based on the conversations he and I have had about how to appropriately choose the right partners, because I've done this a few times and finally got it right.
Tunisha Renee (15:37.262)
Your values are important. You need to know what you value so that you can teach your children how to know what they value and how to stand on what they say they believe.
if that's not a strength for you.
then that means you've got some growth to do in that area. And that's okay, because we all have our areas, but we have to be honest about what those are. And for me, it definitely started with my verbal communication and my quickness to take that quick heartbeat and heated inside to become ready to slap them down. It just, whew.
That was the thing that was working on me. I had to let go of that violent, verbally violent, physically violent mom as a way of instilling discipline because it didn't work for me. I know that it didn't. That kind of parenting, while well intentioned, only brings out the liar, sneaky, argumentative, dismissive version of a kid.
it's not gonna bring out the, I'm gonna tell you everything that I'm doing and I think you're so great and yeah, I know you say that I can come to you with anything and yeah, I sure will. They are not coming. They are not coming. So, I just, it's time to call a spade a spade. And some of us have some things that we've done over the years that have created this friction and tension in our homes.
Tunisha Renee (17:22.732)
And so then we come home from work and it still doesn't feel peaceful. So you just feel worn out because you don't feel like there's peace anywhere. And I got tired of living like that. And the more I thought about how it was affecting him, it couldn't have been easy. And the fact that he remained hopeful for as long as he did, that I would be different. I'm glad he hung in there because I don't know if I could have been.
as patient as he has been with me. Kids have stress just like we have stress. There just looks different, but at every age we have it, it's all just relative.
But thinking that because I'm older and my stress looks different, it discounts his stress was just unfair to him. And so I recognize how much restraint and how much hope he had to have held onto during that time for us to be ready and willing to try to heal our relationship and that he was willing to come to the table is something that
I praise God for it because I don't know that I could have done the same thing. So we've covered why it's important to be reflective and real with yourself and now we're going to get into what it actually looks like to grow as a leader. And there are so many female leaders in the Bible. Deborah is another favorite.
For another episode, if you want to be a mom who is the leader, you have to be super intentional with what you spend your time listening to and watching. When you're looking at stuff online where these moms are slapping their kids around and telling them off and cussing them out and thinking that's cute or laughing at it and then before you even realize it,
Tunisha Renee (19:35.554)
You're doing it and you're saying things like, F these kids.
Sometimes with kids in earshot, can you imagine as a kid hearing that, especially if you've already started taking in seeds of resentment for your mom, and then you hear things like this even as a joke? How would you take that? So.
Empathy matters. It matters when you're out and about, when you're at work, you want it. So bring that home with you. Teach your kids that too. Create a space that's truly getting them ready for the real world because it shouldn't be get them ready for the world that is. Get them ready for the one that you wish was the one we lived in now. Help them be those people.
Because right now I want to see more people who are kind and reflective and who take accountability and who can admit when they are wrong and who don't mind saying, I'm sorry. That came from something I used to do when I was triggered and I didn't mean that. I didn't mean to interact with you that way.
That's a frame that I used in an argument not too long ago, and I wouldn't say an argument, but yeah, an argument with my guy. It was probably about a year or so ago. We were still early in at that point. yeah, I can't imagine continuing to be the woman who reacts that way. And it only happened the one time, because it bothered the both of us.
Tunisha Renee (21:29.432)
to say, let's look at how we talk to each other, especially when we're upset. But my son gets to see that. And so now he sees what a healthy dynamic can look like. He doesn't remember when I was with his father, because we split when he was so small. So he doesn't even remember that.
And then with my ex-wife, she just was the counterbalance. So I was up here on 10 all the time, and she was the one who was even killed. And watching her, I learned a lot. I don't think I've ever even said that to her, but I learned a lot in how my son responds to things. And I definitely learned.
to lean on that and pull that back from my memory banks so that I could, when I was really frustrated, think, what would she do? Because she didn't operate like she was going to ever physically hurt him. I can remember.
twice ever in all the time that we were together and we were together for a long time that she got really really angry with him but he never felt physically threatened or intimidated by her in the same way and I just I had to really be honest with myself because through honesty I can see where I need development and if you want to lead you have to.
You have to, you have to. So then that means listening to parenting podcasts. It means reading more books on personal development. One of the things that I worked on the earliest was learning to love myself again. And then it was rebuilding my confidence. Whatever it is that you need, there are resources out here for it. There are people who talk about exactly these things and the intention of this podcast is to talk about exactly these things.
Tunisha Renee (23:42.348)
because we need more tools at our disposal so that we can manage our emotions better out in the world and just create a better society by not being jerks all the time.
And it starts with listening to your kids and their feedback, even when it's uncomfortable. Because they're the only ones who can really tell you what it's like to be on the other side of your parenting. So if you listen with curiosity, instead of defensiveness, you can learn a lot. You can learn a lot.
When I started centering what's on my social media feeds with things about being a better communicator and controlling my emotions, that has come to my aid at least three times this year where I was really pissed about something. But I remembered that just because I feel those sensations in my body doesn't mean
that I then have to use that to lash out. It means I need to check in and figure out what's really the problem so that I can do or say what needs to happen to have that problem solved or resolved. So if I come in the house from work and I've told John that when I came home from work, I wanted the kitchen to be clean and the kitchen wasn't clean, well, okay, now...
I'm annoyed because at work I had somebody send me a passive aggressive email that day and I had a surprise bill pop up that I wasn't expecting and then I come in house and you can't be bothered to do that and then it became that whole snowball of mommies going over the edge.
Tunisha Renee (25:49.968)
and I had to learn how to regulate that part of me.
and just say, asked you to clean this up, get in there.
I mean, just that simple. Just a few words, firm tone, very direct. This is what I need you to do right now.
and it has been way more effective in getting him to move.
and way less aggravating to my spirit to maintain my composure. And the end result is the same. He cleans that kitchen up. But only one of them was damaging our relationship and raising my blood pressure. And it just wasn't worth it to me anymore. And I can only imagine the bitterness that it was putting into him to have to deal with every day. Thank God for growth. So.
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paying attention to the things that I was watching, the things that I was listening to. I really only read non-fiction books these days, so that really wasn't an issue. But I had to make sure that they were all geared towards who it is I want to be. And through that, I have become the more patient, calm mom who can listen. And I have a better understanding of my son and how my behavior was affecting him.
and any guilt that I feel, use as my accountability partner to keep me from going back to that behavior instead of using it as a club to beat myself with. I want to be the mom who handles things with kindness, which is something he and I both value, who handles her home, handles her business, and is a real help and support.
I have those things and I am excited about letting him go on this next stage of life with...
more insight into who I am so that he really has more of a sense of what I value and who his mom really is. And so he sees through the way I talk, the way I interact with people, what I will and won't do, and how I stand on my integrity. And so he's becoming the man who does that. And I'm just super proud of him. And I want to see when he's out in the real world, because this isn't the only way to know, right?
When he has to be self-sufficient, which parts kick in? I have to trust that I have done my absolute best.
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and that every day I continue to get even better and I parent him for the stage that we're in now instead of when he was a toddler or before that.
Tunisha Renee (28:59.776)
It's important that for me he can control his emotions. Not control his emotions, but he can decide, give no other option, decide the way he's going to react.
in that moment. That's not to say, every time I feel angry, I'm just going to be all kumbaya. No. But every time I'm angry to that level, I'm going to think before I act.
I'm going to stop long enough to ask myself, what's really my problem here? Now how do I get to solve that?
and do it in a way that doesn't break the connection between me and the other person. So the way that I speak to my son with more kindness, love, and respect.
I speak to my guy like that. I speak to my family members like that. I speak to everyone like that. Because that's not just who I want to be as a mom, it's who I want to be as a person. So who do you want to be as a person? So you can teach your child.
Tunisha Renee (30:28.75)
how to decide for themselves what kind of person they will be and stand on it.
Tunisha Renee (30:40.95)
Growth does not happen overnight. And we can sometimes beat ourselves up trying to rush through this arbitrary timeline of, know, I've got to do this right now, right now. I have to fix this. But then you overcompensate for all the things you thought you did wrong in that moment of trying to fix things. And it just doesn't work out. So don't try to rush your growth.
Pick a thing and focus on growing in that thing and when that feels like your new normal, add another thing.
For me, it had to start with just not choosing violence.
And then it became, now what do I do consistently instead of choosing violence? Baby steps. It doesn't happen all at once. And that's OK. But you have to show that you're trying to be better every single day. And your kids will respect that.
It starts with the decisions that you make in the little things every single day.
Tunisha Renee (32:02.166)
I just did the Make More Office Challenge with Myron Golden about two weeks ago now. And he talks about the word decision. He breaks it down into its parts and their etymology. Well, not the etymology, but...
what they mean.
Tunisha Renee (32:23.562)
And it's it's fascinating when you think that decision means you don't give yourself an out. There is no other way possible. But when you think you have choices, it's like, well, I could take it or leave it. It could go this way or that way. It doesn't make me a difference. And we treat it like it's no big deal. So if I say, I'm choosing...
to be kinder. It's like,
because tomorrow I'm going to choose something different? No. I decided there is no other way for me to be. This is who I am. I am a kind person.
And so you have to think, who do you non-negotiably decide to be as a person, and how does that affect the way you mother?
Tunisha Renee (33:25.966)
Your kids are a big deal. And we can't treat our emotional well-being and our emotional knowledge as if it were not a big deal. Because the things that we do as they are developing shape who they are for the rest of their lives. And they spend just 18 years as children and, God willing, a whole lot longer being adults.
based on the things that we instilled in them when they were children.
Are you producing the kind of adults that you want to be out there later?
Tunisha Renee (34:12.202)
It's about being reflective and intentional, being open to feedback without reacting or dismissing it, and just listening with real curiosity and showing your kids that you value what they say. And that's what's gonna create a stronger connection and make you a better parent.
Leadership
Worst mistakes moms make that create resentful kids who don't respect them. And I tell you the seven top things that several thousand Instagram comments have confirmed.
that people are complaining about the most in relation to their moms and the things they wish they had done differently. Thank goodness for AI that can analyze some data because I looked at what came up as the seven biggest things and that is what is in this guide and I walk you through how to...
change some that. So if you are interested, can go to rescueourrelationship.com and it will take you to the email page. You drop your name in email and then on that next screen, make sure you stay on the next screen, there's the link to watch the video. And if you watch it, let me know what you think. What were your aha moments in there?
Tunisha Renee (36:19.052)
Because for me, it was so much that I saw that was confirmation of everything I had learned the hard way that had I known could have saved me and my son a whole lot of drama and pain and heartache. So thank you so much for being here. Make sure you come back for the next episode where I am going to answer the question, am I a bad mom?
